So overall this has been a busy, highly informational and wonderfully interactive experience. I've met great people and we are all preparing ourselves for great things to come. But I can't help but sit back sometimes when amongst all these great people, and think of the great people I left behind in Portland. I often get these feelings when I'm alone (which is rarely!), at night before sleeping (of course), or when I'm with a larger group of our people when I have an opportunity to sort of sink out of conversation without noticably being antisocial. For the most part I'm pretty good though. Good in staying with the group, sticking with this committment, continually seeking moments of happiness.
Monday, after a full day of training, the wife of a staff member offered her yoga instruction to any PC trainees interested. When I saw that sign in sheet going around I couldn't believe it! Perfect! At about 5:30, ten of our group settled in barefoot and ready to bend, twist and stretch. Marla, our instructor, teaches at a studio here in Belmopan. She began class with calming, emotional music and incense even. I was flooded with emotion. Thoughts of home, Portland, my life as it was. Oohh, it was intense. I wanted to burst into tears from the moment we closed our eyes for pre-yoga meditation. "Come to present." Looking at my toes, I realized how stiff I'd become in just a few days of travel and sitting through so much training. The AC in the room had been turned off and as we went through sun salutations I began sweating quite a bit. Stretching, strengthening, meditating, relaxing. Breathing.
Sometimes the loss I feel of people I've left behind sits in my gut like a big rock. A sinking hole like feeling. And then I take a deep breath, look around, and bring myself to present. I'm not quite sure how to deal with this feeling. Often times I want to burst into tears, I want to sob and cry and cry and cry. But that feeling usually occurs when I'm sitting in a room with 40 people listening to someone talk about policy. Or when I'm sitting with a group of people eating dinner. Or when I'm about to enter in a practice of yoga. So the tears drip down, one, maybe two, and I breathe. Eventually, it seems like this emotional energy must come out. The levees can only hold so many tears. Or maybe they'll stay in there so long, they'll reabsorb into my body as extra fluid? No. Crying is healthy and I'm sure it will happen. I'm shocked that I haven't really cried yet actually. My strength is impressing me. My resiliance as well and I think both facets are growing. I am growing and I can endure this. Not without missing the hell out of a particular love of my life. And some dear friends. Family, don't worry, I miss you too but it is a miss I'm familiar with.
There will be more loneliness when I settle into my permanent site for the REAL 2 years. This is just prep. Then there will down time. And then I'm sure there will be tears. Growth. And tears. Much love to you all. This path I've chosen is a great one and I'm excited for all that is ahead. It will be wonderful, but I've left behind great to experience whats ahead. Thanks for your kind words, your letters (which must certainly be on their way!!) and your support.
Hey Emily
ReplyDeleteWow i felt a bit sad reading your words. Cause altough being sad is part of the whole process, it sometimes overwells us and we dont know exactly what we are doing in a that place..the place where we are at that moment.
But just remember then it all happens for a reason and the time altough it is quite long will bring people and experiences in your life that you will so much miss when you have to finally leave Belize again.
And then you might even wonder why you even left Portland to come back and feel so sad and depressed about being back.
And the answer will be because the sadness is sooo much worth the happiness you will feel!
Love and big hug from Germany.
maddie